do I have to do the dishes?

So, this is my first blog post ever, Blog world, here I am... and honestly, it's about time. I've been wanting to do this for a while, and I think I'm just completely lazy. It's one of those things that you know, you want to do, but never get around to it. But recently my thoughts have been buzzing around in my head, and so instead of just keeping them to myself, I'd like to pour out into this screen and hope that maybe somehow they will be heard and perhaps be somewhat meaningful for someone else. So, now that my intro is, well rather rambling is through, here it goes.

I suck at keeping up on things. I want to be a disciplined person, I really want to do all of those great things, like get up at 5:oo in the morning and go for a mile run...ya, I really do mean that, I totally do. Yet, it seems that no matter how much I plan and convince myself that yes I am going to do this, I just can't.
I've never been much of a disciplined person, I think that the one thing that I lack the most is discipline. When I was a kid, and I'm sure everyone has had this experience, of your mom telling you to clean your room, and she yells at you like a biggillion times, and you still don't do it. It's seems like I haven't really grown our of that phase. I always put things off, getting up in the morning, doing the dishes, sending birthday cards, running errands. And at the end of the day, I feel like a slacker. I feel like I'm not being a good wife for not cleaning the house, or daughter because I forgot to send the card to my Dad on his birthday. I'm tired of feeling that way you know. I just want to be on top of things. I know that, no I don't totally suck cause I didn't do some housework, and I know that my valitidy as a person is not based on tasks or acts. And thankfully God has grace with me, and so does my husband. But yet, I still struggle with this whole disipline thing because I want to be a good wife who looks after her home, and a person who can get up at the crack of dawn if she wants to, or not eat those cookies even though they are sitting there and looking chocolately and all.

I just don't get those people who can train for marathons, or heck even work out once a week. Or even those people who totally do read thier bible for an hour everyday...how do they do it. And why can't I seem to get it together? I want to be a woman who's got it together, or at least somewhat. I've been thinking a lot about this question, and I know that I am rebellious at heart....and the reality is I don't want to be told what to do, I don't want to have expectations or pressure or heaven forbid authority. And when things start pressing in on me, I freak out and run. I go the completely opposite direction. And no matter where I am in life, how independant I think I am, this lack if discipline thing is still there. I thought when I became an adult, I wouldn't have someone telling me what to do and that things would change, but then you get married, and ya, that idea went down the hill when reality set in. Everything requires so much more disicpline and obeidience, and not because someone is telling me, I just know I have to or else things don't happen. It's hard to be disciplined and obedient and dare I say, submissive. I struggle with this crap. How do I do what I desire to do when I just seem to do the opposite? How do I welcome and actually carry through with this thing called discipline? I think the problem lies in the fact that I just try to do it on my own. I try to be "self-disciplied". But then I realized I suck on my own, I totally do. I can't do the "self" park, I can't do it alone. I think I need to everyday wake up and say God, I can't freaking do this on my own. I need you. So, I think that discipline and depedance are linked in some weird way. Maybe if I can just not try to do it on my own, and welcome dependance on God and other people, then things would definately be earier...so that's what I'm going to try, I have, and I'll let you know how it works out.