Am I really the queen of my castle, if my castle rules me?

Wow, so lately my world is being rocked by the whole idea of consumerism and our faith. I am totally realizing that Jesus calls us to a life that is completely counter cultural. The world calls us to consume, to want, and long after things, to buy the newest fashions, get the biggest house, nicest car, and convinces us that we need the latest thing to "live". But, I have recently figured out that this is not the case. What the world tells us is a lie.

The truth is, I don't need the lastest thing to live, I don't even need the latest fashion to be cool, my life and worth do not depend on this worlds things. Jesus calls us to give, and sacrifice and go without....to be selfless, depend on him, be humble, and serve. It is totally opposite of what our society calls us to. Who would have thought...after growing up in the church, that I am just discovering this truth now?

This is rocking my world because this is what I have learned matters...I have always thought that stuff made you happy. I didn't acutually think those exact words, but everything I saw showed me that. When I am sad or mad, or depressed I would just go buy something, in hopes that that new thing would solve my issues. That the newest fashions would make me look hot, and then I would find a boyfriend and marry him and be happy forever! or something along those lines. And now, I think, if I only were more stylish, if I had a better looking house, or another car, or a baby or a better job, then I would be happy. I want, I want, I want. The funny thing about all this is, I want no matter what I get, no matter how much money I spend, or if I got everything I just mentioned above, I would still want more. The problem is the wanting never seems to go away. It's always there, always haunting me, always prodding me. And its never enough

What do I do?

I was thinking on the way home today about what would happen if I just didn't give into the urges to buy stuff anymore. Would I stop having the desire, or just get better at ignoring it. Would I be more content? Probubly not for the first little while, cause I think its kinda like detox a little. It hurts to stop. I know I'm not going to like it, in fact I will probuly hate it and regret it for a while. Since I won't be experiencing that type of short-lived pleasure or fulfillment of getting stuff. I won't get the highs. And the worst part about it is I know or at least I think I won't measure up to this overwelming standard the world has for me. I will let the world down, I will be a loser maybe, I will not have the adoration of those around me...

But the hope is in the long run, past the detox phase, there comes the learning of a new way. It totally is a new way of life. Learning to not depend on things, on my stuff to make me happy. Learning that stuff will not bring me fulfillment, it will not define me as a beautiful, trendy person with great taste... it can't do that. I can't seek my worth that way.
I need to look to God for that. He gives me everything I need (not want) and it is through him that I am defined and have worth. I think that this way will be better....I will stop longing for things that will never fulfill. I can long after God and his kingdom and His ways. I don't know what this will be like, since I am far away from this....but I hope to some day know what it will kinda be like.

I really want to free myself to be available to others. To have resources and money to meet other people's needs. I reallly want to love people so much that it hurts, to love them so much that I will give up my stuff for them. (I just have to stop loving my stuff so much) I just keep thinking about going through my closest and things and giving away the stuff I don't need. I have so much crap that I don't use or wear. Yet I hoard it all. Now I am not suggesting that we can't have anything, but I am suggesting that at least for me, that I have too much. We have so much that we can give away.

There's this video that I watched last night called another world is possible, and one of the quotes from it says "If you own two coat's, you have someone else's" I thought, hmmm that's harsh...it's hard to hear. I don't like it. But I think there's some kind of truth to it. I thought, its kinda true, I have more than one coat, more than one winter coat, and I'm sure that this year I probubly would have bought another one. But why? Why do I need another one? Because I am ruled by the world of fashion and want? This is tough stuff. So I am going to continue struggling with this....this just might be one of the biggest struggles of my life.