Turtle shells

So, I'm going to be completely honest with you. I am kinda weirded out by this whole blog thing. The fact that I can post my thoughts, and pretty much that anyone can read them whenever totally freaks me out. I am not used to this whole vulnerability thing, its uncomfortable, I feel out there, not protected. I'd much rather be in my little shell that I carry around with me. At least when I'm in person, I can hide. And I do that alot. When I feel ackward, scared, intimadated, I withdraw, just like a turtle in its shell.

I think its odd that I can be here by myself writing my private thoughts, and have you sit there reading them with me really knowing it. I actually questioned who I was going to send my blog link out to. As I went through my e-mail address's I thought, can I trust this person, will they think I'm an idiot? And, well I don't know what you're thinking right now. And I just have to get myself comfortable with that idea. And I guess part of the charm of these blogs is that, it doesn't matter necessarily, whether you like what I say, or think it sucks, or if you think I am a total nerd. That's the beauty of vulnerability, we all have to get to the point where we can be completely honest with each other, regardless of our fears or our maybe opposing opinions. The point is more about being vulnerable isn't it? I know you may or may not agree with everything I say or think, but I don't care, b/c its more about being known, and knowing isn't it? So, this whole blog thing for me is about just being. I am really trying to put this into practice. The whole concept of being, and not just doing. I believe this whole thought process started a few years ago with a quote from Henri Nouwen that I heard in one of my classes along the way.

More and more, the desire grows in me simply to walk around, greet people, enter their homes, sit on their doorsteps, play ball, throw water, and be known as someone who wants to live with them. It is a privilege to have the time to practice this simple ministry of presence. Still, it is not as simple as it seems. My own desire to be useful, to do something significant, or to be part of some impressive project is so strong that soon my time is taken up by meetings, conferences, study groups, and workshops that prevent me from walking the streets. It is difficult not to have plans, not to organize people around an urgent cause, and not to feel that you are working directly for social progress. But I wonder more and more if the first thing shouldn't be to know people by name, to eat and drink with them, to listen to their stories and tell your own, and to let them know with words, handshakes, and hugs that you do not simply like them, but truly love them.”
- Henri Nouwen

This totally resonates with me! I love this whole thought because it totally crushes this constant pressure that I have to somehow perform the life of Stephanie, rather than just being me. I LOVE IT. I am so tired of trying so hard, of trying to meet expectations, and impress those around me, or attaining certain things, or status's. Not that I walk around being fake, I don't think I do, but there are these hidden quest's for things that are not me, of things I am not. All I want to do is know and be known, to be, to be with God and to be with others and let them just be with me. And so this blog for me is in a way, a small tool in carrying this quest out, the quest of being me.